Atonement
by PsychoticGirl
Summary: The tragedy that was never meant to happen in episode 23. My take on what went on in Lelouch's head. Reuploaded oneshot.


**Disclaimer:** This was written and uploaded on my old account many years ago from when I first joined FF. I decided to re-upload it to fulfill the old promise of keeping my old fics from that desolate account. Why now after so long? I don't know, but I guess the niggling guilt finally caught up with me when I 'terminated' that account due to personal reasons. Anyhow, I don't own a thing and there's no obligation to review this as it is far too short and raw for my liking now as compared to in the past. I wrote it after the tragic episode tormented me to no end one night back then and when I do go back to fully watch the Code Geass series (life as an undergrad sucks) I will most likely rewrite this or add on to it. I hope you still enjoy this, nonetheless, no matter how short it may be.

* * *

_No._

_NO._

_Stop it._

_STOP IT!_

He wanted to scream, cry, claw out his skin and rip out the invisible, constricting bands on his lungs and throat. Rip it all out until it turned as red as the bloody scene before him.

Massacre.

That's what it was. The gunshots were a never-ending stream of thundering blasts that beat upon the air, staining it with the smell of stale gunpowder along with the rich, thick and sickeningly sweet scent of freshly spilled blood.

Blood.

God. It was all over the place. Everywhere he looked, or everywhere he tried not to look but it was still _there_.

He stumbled against the dark walls of the alley, only a short distance away from the bloody holocaust on the other side. He knew this in his guts and even as he desperately tried to smother the horrifying sounds and the smell-that smell, it came back strong and pungent, filling his entire soul and choking it in the smell of death.

_Why?_

_Why!_

_WHY!_

Heavens knew he was already drenched in innocent blood from head to toe and now-

_Is this my repercussion? Do I have to carry this cross of burden as well? To atone for my sins that are forever increasing till the end?_

All he ever wanted was-

Not this. Never this. But the grotesque, ugly truth stretched out before him, taunting him like a noose hanging from the murderous air.

The one, single thought raced through his mind on playback endlessly, endlessly...

_God, what have I done?_

He wanted to laugh at everything in his face. Laugh until all that was left of him was his rotting corpse lying on the floor. The heavy turmoil of emotions threatened to stumble out of him and pour forth with no mercy.

_No._

He struggled for a moment, inhaling the blood-reeked air in huge gulps, swallowing the bitter, filthy taste. Struggled to come to his senses and regain control.

He had to regain control. Yes. That had to be done.

He had to salvage something from this- this hell he had created from his own bare hands. Had to for his tired, overburdened conscience. For Nunally. For Japan.

Someone had to put an end to it. And it had to be him and him alone.

He stood up now, slowly. Slowly. Like a broken mannequin with its strings in a tangle of crimson-stained knots. His movements were mechanical as he trudged-dragged himself-over to where his henchmen were.

_Breathe. In. Out. In. Out._

He barely registered the panicked voices around him and him climbing into his Knightmare with his mask on.

Didn't even know when he had placed it on.

"What's happening?!"

"What do we do, Zero!"

"Zero!"

_Zero._ The accursed name rang loud in his ears amidst the ongoing gunfire still raging outside. He clamped down hard on his shaking emotions like a steel vice, feeling strangely disconnected from his own body. As if it were someone else giving the orders and not him.

"Fellow Japanese! Britannia has lured us all into a trap! See what they have done to us! I declare us to seek revenge! To fight and regain independence from it all! Princess Euphemia is our enemy-"

His voice was deafening, strong and filled with rage. Yet the same could not be said for the sudden torrents of pure emotion threatening to burst from the dam he had built around his stone cold heart. It battered away at the numbness and injected pain. Pain like he had never felt before, though he knew that he had.

_Say it._ His world was crashing down around him. Faster. Faster.

"I want you to find her-"

_Just say it._ He ignored the sharp pain at the back of his throat.

"And-"

_SAY. IT._ Forced back the heat behind his eyes.

"Kill her!"

And then, the strength ebbed away from his bones.

Pain washing off the knife-point in his chest and coursing-

Down his cheeks.

Down.

To hell where he had started and would end, even if his heart had to be forged into lead.

Even if he had to die to cleanse the blood off his hands.

Around him, the bloodbath continued...


End file.
